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THE IMPORTANCE OF LAWN
MOWING by
Jack Duffe CAST OF CHARACTERS RED:
A proud, middle-aged man
wearing red. BLUE:
Red’s
submissive wife, wearing blue. WHITE:
A young
man, wearing white. A newcomer to the neighborhood. SCENE Red’s front
lawn,
next to a sidewalk. TIME The present. SETTING:
A
suburban front lawn. AT RISE:
BLUE
watches RED mow the lawn. Somewhere in the lawn is a baby basket. RED Won’t be long
now.
I’ll get this lawn mowed, then we can do whatever we want. BLUE Yes, dear. (WHITE
walks along the sidewalk and sees the baby basket in the path of the
lawn
mower. He rushes in and snatches the basket away.) WHITE What are you doing?! RED I’m mowing my
lawn.
Is there a problem? WHITE You were about to
run over this baby! RED Oh, that’s my
son. WHITE You were about to
mow your son?! RED Yes. WHITE Why?! RED I have to mow my
lawn. BLUE That’s right, he does. WHITE Who are you? BLUE I’m his wife. WHITE You weren’t
going to
do anything to save your own baby? BLUE I didn’t want
to
obstruct my husband. He has to mow the lawn. RED I have
to. WHITE Is mowing your lawn
more important than the safety of your baby? RED Hey, you just got
here! You don’t understand! Now give me back my son! WHITE I’m not going
to
give him back until you tell me why you feel so strongly about mowing
your
lawn. RED You… all
right, I’ll
tell you, if you have to know. I like taking care of my lawn, and I do
a good
job of it. BLUE Nothing wrong with
that. RED Yeah. So last year,
I was mowing my lawn a lot. I got really good at it, in fact. But then
winter
came around, and there was nothing left to mow. I mean, there was still
stuff
to mow, but it wasn’t really growing. WHITE All right… RED So over the winter I didn’t mow very often. I got lazy. I even forgot most of the mowing tricks I learned. WHITE Mowing tricks? RED My mowing tricks are
all top-secret, every one of them designed to cut down as much grass in
specific areas as quickly as possible. It’s nothing
you’d understand,
baby-snatcher! WHITE Okay, okay, go on. RED Okay. So spring came
around, and the grass started growing again, but I had gotten so out of
practice, I couldn’t mow as effectively, so I
didn’t do it as often. I mean, I tried
to mow as often as I could, but my
stupid wife kept obstructing me. WHITE That’s not a
nice
thing to say. BLUE But it’s true.
I
thought it would be a good idea to let the grass grow back a little,
but that
was a completely stupid idea. I never ever should have obstructed my
wonderful
husband’s flawless plans. WHITE Why is that? RED I’ll tell you
why.
Mowing the lawn kept us completely safe.
When I stopped mowing the lawn regularly, I was just asking for
trouble. I
still remember the day that trouble came… that horrible
day… the day that
completely changed everything forever in all of history throughout the
universe… BLUE It was an absolute
nightmare. RED Did I ask you? BLUE Sorry, dear. WHITE If you don’t
mind my
asking, what happened on that horrible day? RED You mean you
don’t
know?! BLUE Surely you must know
something about it. WHITE Sorry, I just moved
here.
Please forgive my ignorance, but I’d like to know what came
before me. RED All right,
I’ll tell
you. It was… I swear, I still get mad thinking about it. One
morning I walked
outside to get the newspaper. I hadn’t mowed the lawn in a
couple weeks, so the
grass was kinda thick. WHITE Okay. RED Well, when I went
out to get the paper, I leaned down — and all of a sudden a
snake bit me! Bit
me right on the leg! I toppled over and started yelling to my wife and
anybody
who could hear me, “Help! Help! Come and look! A snake bit
me!” So my wife came
out to help, and then – and then – that damn snake
bit her too!
(WHITE bows his head solemnly.) WHITE That’s
terrible… RED No kidding! She fell
over right on top of me, and that damn snake just slithered away! WHITE I’m very sorry
to
hear that. What kind of snake was it? RED I’ll never
forget it
as long as I live. It was black. Solid black. WHITE You mean a Black Snake? RED Yeah. You know what
I mean? WHITE I do… but
Black
Snakes aren’t poisonous. RED What, are you saying
I’m weak? WHITE No, a snake bite
isn’t something to laugh at, but it could have been a lot
worse. RED Are you saying that a
snake biting me and my wife on our legs – and
causing us to fall over – wasn’t
the
worst tragedy in all known history?! WHITE Well, it’s
certainly
a sad event for you, but many people have been bitten by more dangerous
snakes
than that. Black Snakes are somewhat painful when they bite, but they
don’t
just go around biting people unless they believe they have a reason
to— (RED
lunges for the baby basket. WHITE keeps it from him.) RED Give me back my son,
you snake-lover! WHITE I will, but not
right now! I’m not satisfied yet! Why were you so
enthusiastic about
lawn-mowing that you’d risk your child? RED I don’t have
to
explain myself to you! BLUE Well… RED What? What? Don’t tell me you’re a snake-lover too! WHITE Please tell me. If
I’m going to live in this neighborhood, I’d like to
know what happened here in
the past. RED Don’t listen
to him! BLUE It would help if
other people knew, dear… RED Oh, damn it, all
right. I’ll tell him, you shut up. BLUE Yes, dear. RED Look, stranger, I
have to mow my lawn to keep that snake out. To keep all
snakes out. WHITE Is that why you mowed
your lawn in the first place? RED Yeah! I had to mow
my lawn to keep all sorts of dangerous creatures away from me, my home,
my
property, my son, and also my wife. Nothing dangerous had anywhere to
hide
here, I made sure of it. WHITE But then you let
your lawn grow, and the snake came in. RED Hey, I never
could have guessed that a
dangerous animal would sneak into my lawn in the middle of spring if I
gave it
a chance. If I could, I never would have listened to my stupid
wife’s ideas. WHITE Okay… so you
resumed
mowing your lawn after the snake bit you and your wife. RED My wife? WHITE You said the snake bit your wife. RED Whatever. Anyway, I
had to mow my lawn again to keep the snake out for good, but I now have
to mow the
lawn constantly, or else the snake will come back and bite me again. WHITE What makes you so
sure it will come back? RED That damn snake will
come back, you can bet on it. I know that’s how snakes work,
because that’s how
I’d work if I was a snake. WHITE Are you serious? The
snake is probably long gone by now, if it’s not dead. Now I
know I might not
have much experience, but I do know that winter isn’t very
kind to snakes
around here. RED Nonsense. Some of my
neighbors say they’ve seen it. WHITE They have? Why
haven’t they done anything about it? RED Hey, that snake is mine. Nobody’s allowed to kill
it but
me, even if I have to mow all my neighbor’s lawns to uncover
it. WHITE That’s a lot
of work
to find one snake. RED It’s going to
be
worth it! I’ll finally get revenge on that snake, just like I
did with the
others. WHITE Others? RED Yeah, I
must’ve
killed five other snakes looking for the one that bit me. WHITE That’s an
awful lot
of needless effort. Besides, just because one snake bit you
doesn’t mean you
have to kill all snakes that might bite you. RED Are you saying I
shouldn’t get that snake back for what it did to me?! Give me
back my son,
snake-lover! (RED
grabs for the baby basket. WHITE wrestles it away and holds it
protectively.) WHITE It was just a minor
bite, not even poisonous—did you do anything to provoke it? BLUE Well— RED No! Shut up! WHITE Well what? RED Shut up! BLUE He stepped on it. WHITE What? RED You shut up! And
you, give my son back! BLUE I saw him. The snake
was right there and he deliberately stepped on its tail. RED So what? It still
bit me! I never should have trusted it. WHITE Trusted? RED Somebody help, this
guy’s kidnapping my son! WHITE Please, I just want
to know. BLUE Well, knowing about
the snake requires a bit of history. My husband mowed the lawn very
often last
year because a bunch of mice formed a community below the grass. RED Damn commune-mice. BLUE He mowed the lawn every
few days to get rid of the ones he could find so that they
wouldn’t spread over
our property and pester our neighbors. It cost us a lot of money in
fuel, but
he did get rid of a few of the mice by chopping them up in the
lawnmower. WHITE Ew. BLUE I know. I thought it
was disgusting, but it was the most we could do at first… WHITE Why didn’t you
just
get a cat? BLUE We thought it would
be a good idea to buy a cat to get rid of the mice, but we were afraid
that a
cat might mess up the house, so we—- RED Stop there,
that’s
enough! He doesn’t need to know anything else! BLUE
(quickly) –-We bought a
snake
and put it in the grass. WHITE You did? Was it the
same snake that bit you? RED Who cares? It was
still a snake! All snakes are alike anyway, killing one is as good as
killing
another. BLUE I’m sure it
was the
same snake we bought, or maybe it was an offspring. Oh well, at least
we don’t
have mice anymore… but that was really more due to the lack
of food over the
winter than the snake. RED Why are you still
talking to him? Give me back my son, stranger! WHITE I will, but I still
want to know why you were about to mow him over. RED I have to mow my
lawn to keep all snakes away so that nobody would ever get bitten
again. Could
you imagine my son getting bitten by a snake? I bet you could, you
hateful
snake-lover. WHITE Believe me, I
wouldn’t want anyone to get bitten by a snake, but at least
the snake you’re
dealing with isn’t poisonous. I’ve heard that there
are lots of poisonous
snakes in this area. I’m surprised that you haven’t
been bitten by one of them
yet. RED Oh, so you want me to get bitten by a poisonous
snake. You want me to die. WHITE That’s not it
at
all… look, if the snake is living in your lawn, or at worst
if it has a nest in
your property, mowing the grass isn’t going to get it out
– and it’s obviously
not going to help your son if you keep mowing without looking out for
him. RED Who the hell do you
think you are? This is my lawn, my home, my family, and my
rules! I don’t have to answer to anyone! WHITE But your son! RED You don’t know
me! I
could’ve used one of my mowing tricks to avoid him. WHITE But you said you
forgot most of your mowing tricks. RED Shut up! I
don’t see
why you’re so damn concerned about what I do, anyway. BLUE He was just worried
about our son. RED Shut up! BLUE Yes, dear. WHITE I am
worried about your son, but mostly
I’m worried about his surroundings. RED So you agree I have
to keep mowing my lawn! Great. Now give me back my son. WHITE No, that’s not
it. You
may be confident in your mowing tricks, but what if you failed at one
of them? You
would have mowed your son along with the grass. How can you save your
son by
not caring if you kill him? RED Are you calling me
weak? You’re calling me weak. WHITE You said yourself
that you couldn’t mow as effectively since you took a break
over winter. RED Oh, so now
you’re
saying I’m ineffective. WHITE No, I’m saying
you
said you were-- RED Quit spewing your
rhetoric! Give me back my son right now or I’ll call the cops! BLUE But dear, I thought
you didn’t agree with the police. RED Shut the hell up and
get inside! I’m tired of you always obstructing me when
I’m trying to get
something done! Go make me some lunch, I’m hungry. BLUE Yes, dear. (BLUE
walks inside the house obediently.) RED And you! I’m
only
gonna ask you one more time before I get my wife to get me my gun. WHITE All right, all
right, I’m sorry, here’s your son. (WHITE
hands over the basket. RED grabs it and doesn’t carry it very
carefully.) RED About damn time. Now
get the hell off my lawn, I have to keep mowing. WHITE What?! RED I said I have to
keep mowing. WHITE But that’s
unnecessary! All you need to do is call pest control. I’m
sure they’d be glad
to take care of your snake problem so it doesn’t spread
through the neighborhood. RED This is my lawn on
my property in front of my home where me and my family live. Out here,
I handle
things my way. I don’t need any police or pest controllers or
smartasses
telling me what to do! WHITE But you just said
you were going to call the police. RED I have my son back,
so I don’t need them anymore. Screw ‘em, I say! I
can take care of myself! WHITE You know, as long as
you think that way, your son-- RED I can take care of
my son, too, and I’ll do it my way! (RED
lays the basket on the ground.) RED Now get off of my
lawn! Go! Now! WHITE All right…
but I’m
still concerned for your son. I think he deserves better than-- RED Get out! (WHITE
leaves.) RED Damn smartass
newcomer, thinking he can get off telling me what to do… (RED
mows his lawn again. He comes to the basket, tries to avoid it with a
maneuver
of the lawn mower, but fails and runs it over.) RED Oh… oh no! My
son!
What happened? Why didn’t anyone warn me that this could
happen?! (RED
kicks the lawn mower.) RED You worthless lawn
mower! This is all your fault for not doing what I intended for you to
do! (RED
calls to the house as he walks inside.) RED Honey! Get naked, we
gotta make another baby! BLUE
(V.O.) Yes, dear.
(RED disappears inside his house.) THE END |